Originally Posted 9/10/2004

Don’t you just love Neil Clark Warren? He’s the guy from the eHarmony commercials. He’s a national Best selling author who has set out to single handedly fix the way we date in America. There are definitely some problems, 60% chance of divorce, broken homes, kids growing up without definite role models.

So, like Tsiedel from the Fiddler on the Roof, he will seek out matches. In grand “Tradition” he starts this eHarmony.com deal that rates individuals on the 29 dimensions. I think it’s probably a great idea and he’s helping a lot of people. So what does this have to do with me.

In a moment of weakness, an especially lonely day, I received an email about eHarmony.com telling me of their personality test. I thought “what can it hurt?” So I filled out the form, it took forever. When I was finished I thought the test pegged me pretty well. Rather impressive for an online test. But that was when trouble started….

The next morning when I checked my inbox, I was greeted by a thank you from Dr. Warren himself (Yeah, right) thanking me for giving his service a start and encouraging me my first month they would wave the $40 fee if I signed up right then. “Sorry, no Thanks” Then I went on to my next group of emails and received another piece of email from eHarmony letting me know that a single mother of 2, she’s a waitress and enjoys quiet times by the fire, or some crap… She lives approximately on the other side of the world and they want to know if I would like to “start communication” with her. Apparently they sent her my info and she wanted to talk with me…. While on the one hand it’s nice to be wanted, I think a warm body would probably have done for her. I know it’s mean, I do. But I said it and you were thinking it so I’m just being more honest about my feelings. How desperate are the people that sign up for these dating services? You see them everywhere, match.com, date.com, bootie crackwhores.com, they’re everywhere.

Slowly the full realization of what I’ve done hits me. I’ve opened up a veritable pandoras box of well-meaning but maybe a little desperate women get a hold of my email address. This did not bode well.

I refused the invitation to “communicate” and tried to erase the idea of this woman sitting at her desktop pining away for whoever Dr. Warren told her would be “the one”. I shudder. (yikes)

I confessed to a woman at work what I had done and after she got up off the floor from laughing and pointing at me, she said it wasn’t a big deal….whatever.

Approximately 7 days later, I was going about my normal tasks at work and checked my inbox. I was horrified to find yet another email from eHarmony with the request of another woman living only half way to Egypt, no kids, but has an affinity for puppies and watches “The Notebook” incessantly.

What’s a Guy to do? The answer: Don’t fill anything else out online. It’s more hassle that it’s worth.